Recovery is rough friends. It has been many weeks since I posted. The battle rages on against the insatiable tide of my carnality, the part of man that is animal and wants immediate gratification. Alas addiction recovery from porn is bridle our very nature as men. It is a tough road fraught with challenge and loss. My sobriety recently has been absent at best anD I am ashamed. But I have reason to live on.
It is easy to feel alone. It is this sense of solitude that makes one waiver and struggle. It is a fight. It knows no specific moment. This is a battle friends. Keep fighting.
Addiction recovery stinks. It is the challenge of one’s life. It is the war that rages until death.
In the war there are many battles. With commitment and perseverance the addict wins most of these battles. However, in the end the victor does not leave war unscathed. The warrior has taken some hits.
In my war today I lost in a skirmish and I slipped.
I am angry frustrated and disappointed. But my resolve has not changed. And I forgive myself. I have too much at stake to let the Enemy rise victorious and once again begin to occupy the landsape of my heart and mind.
Whintley Phipps, the well known evangelist once said “No man can climb a smooth mountain.”
He must hae the rough spots for grip on his ascent to the top. I hit my rough patch but I move forward with faith and resolve.
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Friends as we speak I am struggling and feeling triggered. This is the time of recovery that has me so frustrated, because I know that to slip would put me back in my sobriety. Accountability is the way out of this so I make myself accountable to you the reader. I will not slip and act out. I will not fail.
By all accounts I have been a pornography addict nearly my whole life. It has been a struggle written in my psyche for many, many years. I struggle with it today. It will be my cross to bear, my vigilance to maintain for the rest of my life. Regarding the theme of this blog, I want to focus on a key issue that hurts the healing, recovering addict.
For reasons I am unsure of there is an ignorance regarding this debilitating addiction. Science is doing all it can to evaluate this claim. Society continuously denies the potential this issue can even exist. And then there is you and I, those individuals wh know for a fact that their struggle could have no more sincere name than an addiction.
If I were to go today and meet randomly hundreds of people, you would have people openly saying:
I am trying to quit smoking
I am a recovering alcoholic
I am a recovering shopaholic
I am a recovering bulimic
and I would say “oh good luck with keeping on track.”
But what if I were to tell some of these people:”Oh yeah, I am a recovering pornography addict?
I would lose relationships
I would be considered a pervert
I would like to say people come to the table to face this demon equally.
My story starts like anyone elses. I was born into a great family. I have a mother and father and 4 wonderful siblings. I was raised with strong values and a strong moral compass found in membership in th Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints that has blessed my life today. My parents enjoy a healthy marriage. My sisters have married good stalwart men.
As a young boy I was curious about sex from an early age. I can recall poring over art books that had nude paintings in them and remembering the strong arousal it provided. This was happening when I was very young, betwwen the ages of 5 and 10.